I was. This morning I came to realization that I was mentally clinging to one of my so called friends.
We have known each other since the teen years. On paper it seems like a long friendship. It’s actually not.
What is a friend? I don’t use this word lightly. Most likely I have a distorted image of what a friend is. For one, friends have mutual interests. They check on each other from time to time. There is high level of trust between them. They help each other when necessary. They can not talk for long periods of time and can easily reconnect.
Most of the people I meet I treat as acquaintances. It is because I don’t trust people much. Thus I have no childhood friends.
Can’t blame them. As a kid (and as an adult) I pushed everyone away. Always tried to be alone. Never appreciated friendships I had. It’s a sad and lonely life. Best part is, no one knew about it. I kept everyone at the distance.
This one friendship was pretty much based on mutual interest for games, anime and such. If I’m honest with myself, I used him to get myself out of the house. Otherwise I wouldn’t step outside for years. So yeah, I clinged to him.
It is apparent that I needed him to keep at least small part of my sanity. Question is, did he needed me? He was outgoing and active. Easy made other friends. Was I really needed in his life?
When I think back, probably not. At first there was an exchange of messages from both sides. Then it was only me who reached out. He reached out once when he needed money. I don’t think that counts.
I don’t remember someone specifically reaching out to me to see how I am doing. Maybe there was one dude, but I treated him like shit. I thought he want something from me. He did not. I apologize. That’s how my brain was wired at that time.
I’ve read in reddit that there are other people who are constantly trying to reach out. It is a one side action. I agree with them that it is exhausting. And I haven’t done it that much.
As world changed this friend was the only link left to the outside. Do you know how crazy it is? When you “awaken” from your inner darkness and the world around you has changed. Like completely changed. I was living in my little town, but when I walked outside I recognized no one. Maybe few who still lived where they lived. Everyone else was a stranger.
So it is obvious I clinged to one familiar face. From my side it was a desperation. Nothing else. As I play back in my head, he didn’t need my presence at all. Most likely I was simply interrupting his own life.
His life was developing “normally” while mine went nowhere. It’s probably the break up effect (I don’t know if that’s a thing). When you break up and one side continues to live their life, and other is sulking with broken heart.
He was getting his shit together as a young adult. My shit was all over the floor, and I made angels.
He had no need for me. As I tried to live my own life a little bit, I didn’t paid attention to it. With my twisted definition of friendship I would guess a friend should check on you from time to time.
Since he didn’t, I just did my own thing. As I’m doing now. Yesterday I posted a thingy on Instagram. That’s like after a year-long absence. Well, he did ‘liked’ my quote image. I’ve come to see ‘likes’ as completely useless things. Sure, he saw what I posted. Did he asked what I was doing all this time? Nop. Did he signed up to GrooveyD? Nop. That’s just an example. I don’t really care if he signs up or not.
This morning it dawned on me. I am totally clinging to this friendship. Which is pretty much one sided.
Through journaling I let him go. I can say it here too.
“Dude, I’m not clinging to you anymore. I don’t need you. You don’t need me. It’s cool.”
Physical clinging has been severed long time ago. It’s the mental one that lingered around. There is no need for that either.
There is something else to consider. To see everyone as a friend not as an acquaintance. All you need to do is to be friendly. Not creepy friendly, but friendly.
Be you and the right people will find you. Where are youuuuu?
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