Chasing the wrong life

Or being stuck on the wrong path. Because of the circumstances. Have you ever felt that your life should’ve been different?

I’m not talking about middle crisis or a desire for better life. That feeling is quite literal. In a sense that events in the past shifted your life in such way that you began to chase a different life in a delusional manner.

For example, when I grew up I had no access to a wide range of music. The selection of cassettes (now I feel old) we could buy were limited. Not to mention that scarcity of money created even more limitations.

Thus I had no access to music instruments either. Or music lessons for that matter. Then there was a disaster of stuttering and bullying. It sort of “robbed” me of exploring my voice.

So I turned to art and writing, and other random stuff. It was kind of a safe path where my voice wasn’t involved. Because reasons.

Later the internet happened. The joys of music from the whole world rocked my little world. Sort of a light in dark tunnel. Well, maybe less dramatic.

Either way, music became a big part of my life. However, I was the observer aka the listener. Maybe a glimpse here and there to become a participant too. Alas no. Too late aka too many self-esteem issues.

Even later, as in now, many questions arise concerning creativity and self-expression. It boils down to, ‘am i creative?’ and ‘how do want to express myself?’ and ‘what i want express in the first place?’

I don’t know if I’m good at writing. I know that I can be better, though.

I don’t know if I’m good at drawing. That actually depends on the perspective I look at my skills.

After all this time there is only one question I can ask. Am I chasing the wrong interests?

I got stuck with them because of circumstances of my life. Writing and drawing feels like little windows in the big house. I might be pulled there because there is light coming through.

Sure, I’ve said that if you would take everything away I would write and draw. What if these are lies I’ve been telling myself? Or half-truths?

I recently picked up guitar again.

At first just to make sounds. What’s interesting is that the need to make sounds has been there before. It is somewhat satisfying to organize sounds so that they are pleasant to ear.

Obviously I am not doing anything crazy. Just one fingerpicking style and two easy chords. A very basic beginner practice. Still it gives pretty good vibes in return.

So at this moment if given choice between writing, drawing, and guitar (maybe even music/sound making in general), I would choose guitar.

In an interesting way it is quite an easy choice. I’m not sure if it is influence from the music I am listening, or because I have an access to another window with bright light.

Or I simply don’t know what to do with my life. A completely valid reason to be honest.

However it is an interesting thought experiment. Sometimes we fail to find joy in whatever we are doing. And it makes us question ourselves and life itself.

As this world is structured, sooner or later we “must” settle down with job and family. We are expected to grow up very early in our lives.

This leads to lives we just accepted, not lives we chose. We live without an opportunity to explore what else life has to offer.

Those who choose to fly free in the world are also stuck in search of what gives the meaning to their lives.

What if this loss of the purpose is because the purpose itself resides outside of what you are capable of, or have access to?

We begin our lives in a very small space. It limits what we can see and do. Then there are our own beliefs about what we can do. And then there is money. The less you have the less opportunities to do stuff you have. It can be true and false at the same time.

Of course, now we have internet. World is at your fingertips. In these days it should be easier to figure out what you want to experience in this life.

We live in such time that you are truly your own limitation now.

And yet we are limited by what we have access to. If whatever gives the meaning to your life is beyond your reach, do your best to reach it. Be bold, be crazy, do whatever needs to be done to go beyond your limitations.

It might be what you searched for, or it might the next step to something greater. You won’t know that until you’ll experience it.