To clear my mind.
It was a beautiful day. Sunny and all. Later it became rainy with cold wind. Still it was a nice walk. I did what I do best in these long walks. Talked to myself and listened. Allowed to be distracted by ducks and trees, and woodpecker holes. Someone was really busy in its territory.
This was a third day of my little experiment, where I stopped consuming anything I can control. Except food. Food is still good. Still I’m tempted to go on a full-blown retreat with fasting plus no consumption in some remote place. I wonder if I would go mad. By the way I’m using ‘consumption’ because I lack a better word. If you have one, please tell me.
My walk. Yes. When I think about it, I feel pretty confident that I could walk for the whole day and be happy. This is something I talked about. I enjoy wandering. Aimless wandering or wandering with a goal with mind, it doesn’t matter. Just walk somewhere. Listen to nature. Own thoughts. Music would be fine too. I suppose I’m drawn to nomad life. Which I guess is different then bum life. And not because being Nomad is so cool now. I’ve been wondering about traveling too. I’m pulled to traveling. It just feels natural. Sure I’m sitting here where I am, not traveling, just thinking about it. Though, I traveled this summer with my bike a lot and enjoyed every second of it.
This I’ve been mulling all over my brains. Why am I drawn to traveling? Because it’s so cool? To put pins on a map where I have been? To take pictures and upload on internet and say, “look how awesome my life is.” Surprisingly it’s none of these. Would I do these things anyway? You bet I would. But why am I drawn to traveling? This might sound strange, but to see what’s done in the world. What has changed. To see cultures, nature, to talk to different people (says me who doesn’t speak much). My mind is wired a little bit strangely. Despite my curiosity I’m not easily excited. Any new thing I do or see is like I’ve already seen it. I can smile say it’s cool and move on. It’s not emptiness. I’m still appreciating the beauty of the sound, color or form. I’m just not going head over heels squealing like an overexcited jumbo. Maybe I will squeal when I’ll see animals in wild. That’s a possibility.
This pull to traveling goes hand in hand with my weirdness with jobs. You can beat with me a stick, but I can’t do a “normal” day job. There are quite a few factors involved. I’ll touch only some of them. Environment I grew up. I grew up with a belief that I must work only one job in my life. That’s how my grandma lived and my mom. And that job must be because of the money. Job brings money. Only recently I found out that my grandma worked a job she didn’t exactly wanted. She was excellent at it, but she did it for money. My mom had exactly the same fate. She wanted to walk a different path, but was demotivated. So, when I finished school and couldn’t find a job in my profession, I gave up. Not a single soul stabbed a finger in my young forehead and told me that I’m actually allowed to work different jobs too.
Ok, fine, I was completely and utterly afraid of people at that time, but I’m pretty sure I would’ve worked that out. None of so called relatives helped me. They only pointed fingers at me and my mom saying that I don’t work. And when asked for help, “hey look, there’s a thing called internet, search there.” When I found a job I learned a harsh truth. Developed new destructive belief. Truth is that you can die in a job you don’t like. Ever wonder where all these sicknesses come from when working? I experienced it on the extreme end. It began with little things. And when I kept going to work, because of money, body ramped it up and I almost died. Not cool.
Destructive belief is this. If I’ll find a job, I’ll get bored of it pretty fast. With that experience I got bored after two months, but stayed there for almost three years. Plus I will be stuck in there with no growth or a way out. Lived from salary to salary with no time to do my own thing (game playing mostly aka escaping reality).
My own thing
During this walk I tried to find what is this “my own thing”. I was confident that it was drawing and writing. That was wrong and sad. I was using writing and drawing as an escapism when games weren’t close. This “my own thing” was a complete delusion. Hence my confusion and silence on the website (again). For now closest to “my own thing” is wandering. I’m actually repeating “I’m delusional” quite often rarely. Not sure what I’m trying to achieve with that. Maybe I’m trying to wake myself up.
Still this belief holds. When doing a job I don’t like I will be “robbed” of time when I could be doing something more fun. No matter how hard I try, I can’t imagine myself being in a job where I must be in a place for a long time. Shop owning is not my cup of tea, I guess. While walking I drew a big map in the air and put imaginary dot on the right side. “That’s where you are born and will stay until you die.” I said. “Rest of the map is the world you’ll never see.” Yeah, please no.
Another thing. I apparently don’t like to work under someone else for another person’s dreams. I’ll put it on one bad experience where there was no time to even find my own dreams.
Another thing. I’m not afraid of hard work. I just want to work hard on a things I enjoy.
One more thing. I walked and counted what kind of things I don’t like when I think about jobs. Begging for job is one of them. Blame it on bad job hunting experiences and stupid job interviews. Cure for it would be to break a hole in the wall and be so great that others will come to me. That means attention.
I have issues with monthly salary too. I wonder why.
My specialty is inaction. With third day of not consuming stuff that is quite noticeable. This four hour walk was a special meditative walk. Lots of action. Lots of it. Cure of this inaction is multi-action. My other specialty is not doing one specific thing. I’m unable to do only one thing for my whole life. Sooo, multi-action. Do many things while not giving a fuck. I’ll still need to work on that mentally. It is my focus. Focus on many things.
Despite my delusional thinking there is one place I belong. Creative, philosophical and psychological curiosity corner. If that “my own thing” is somewhere then it’s there.