Midlife crisis number five thousand and ten

That’s not a real number. It just sometimes feels that I have one each month since I was born.

I asked myself a question.

Why do I cling to drawing and writing?

I hoped to understand something. Wasn’t sure what. Thus I went down the memory lane. At least as far as I could. Or I should say until memories began to appear warped. Out of shape. Why am I trying to draw? Why am I trying to write? To Escape. That’s the answer I received.

Escape what? Real life. I was under impression that I was drawing and writing for all my life. It’s wrong. Not true. When you hear artists speak, they talk how they wrote all the time as a child. How they drew, sang all the time. They had direction. It’s fascinating. Looking deeper in myself, I had to admit that’s not the case with me. Yes I drew. Yes I wrote. Question is when I did that and why?

Why/When I drew and wrote?

I drew in classes. My notes were full with random drawings. That was from the fifth to ninth grade. At home I didn’t drew that much. I was busy playing outside. It’s really interesting. As a kid I spent a lot of time outside. There was no thinking about drawing or writing. So, why I did that in school? To zone myself out of classes and surrounding environment. To escape. Important question is why I tried to escape there. School sucked. I hated it. I was bullied there constantly. To be honest, I still wonder why I allowed it. Calmness, empathy or just dumb brain. Calmness is in my bones. I was born to be calm. Sudden realization came upon me that Calmness is not Passiveness. Yet I chose to be passive about bullying. Allow it. Endure it. Escape inwardly from pain and suffering.

That was time when computers were not so mainstream. Internet even less so. We used to go to special computer rooms (?) to play games. Mostly shooters. Through LAN. That’s how I escaped life outside the school. Games. A perfect way to escape reality. To zone out. Not think about pain. At least for an hour or two.

See? I didn’t drew because I had a craving or unquenchable need for it. I used it for zoning out. Later I did the same with writing. A pattern I found is this. I grasped for writing or drawing when I had no other ways to escape aka I couldn’t play games or read books. It’s such a sad revelation.

To get an outsiders point of view of what I was doing at home I asked to my mom. My own memories are clouded in darkness. In a twisted unrecognizable shape. Hoped for help, got a dramatic response in return. She was no help at all. Something I noticed was her memory how we talked about everything. But, this ‘everything’ repeatedly happens to be about sexual stuff and condoms. Only that. This brings up a question if one of us is delusional about our conversations. I really hope it’s me.

At home I escaped with computer, books and being outside. I did not draw all the time and I did not write. On the other hand I was curious. Breaking stuff apart and putting them back together was fun. I thought that bullying killed my curiosity, but it didn’t. So, that’s cool.

My only goal and want was to escape. No other ambitions. Nothing. No wonder I felt lost in world. When I asked, Who am I when I don’t try to escape? I have no idea.

Sure, if you ask me what I’ll do if I’m all alone or what I would do if I don’t need to worry about money. I’ll instinctively answer draw and write. Sadly it’s a complete escapism. I would hide inwardly then zone myself out with drawing or writing. It’s not even a tool. It’s a defense mechanism.

Looking at myself from this perspective I clearly see a tug-of-war within me.

Escape the world <—-> See the world.

Two contradictory desires. It’s impossible to have both. Solution is simple. Pick. A. Side.

Ultimate escape plan

Up till now I’ve been living in ‘Escape the world’ side (It’s not going well). And religiously wanting to see and experience The World. Probably that’s why I decided to pick up the ultimate escape plan. The worldbuilding.

I have to admit that I enjoy process. I enjoy learning. Putting ‘Escape the world’ on a side line I tried to distill what I feel attuned to.

This is what I wrote down. Freedom, Fluidity, Creativity, Discovery, Individuality, Adventure, Honest self-expression, Exploration, Creation, Fun, Curiosity. On a side I wrote Big child. Big raging fire (Hulk quotes for the win).

Let’s see.

  • – Freedom: Unconsciously everyone wants to be free of something. For me it means to move freely, speak freely, express myself freely.
  • – Fluidity: To be able to move and think without hiccups, fear, brakes.
  • – Creativity: Despite my own confusion, it’s almost a necessity to express myself creatively. I’m sort of limiting myself with drawing and writing. Recently I have thought about sculpting and music too.
  • – Discovery: I enjoy discovering new things I haven’t seen, heard or read. There are so many interesting things around us.
  • – Individuality: To be different. Not to live in shackles of conditioned society. I have tried to fit in. It never worked out. Thought I’m damaged. Still, time to time I’m finding myself trying hard to follow some pattern that doesn’t work for me.
  • – Adventure: To move. To do something interesting, fun. There was no hesitation when I saw opportunity to try weed. This goes hand in hand with spontaneity. When it works it’s awesome. When it doesn’t, I hide behind excuses. Away from the world.
  • – Honest self-expression: Took it from Bruce Lee. First and foremost I need to be honest to myself. I need to trust myself. To be myself. No one else can be me.
  • – Exploration: Deepest caves of one’s mind are scary. Exploration within is what I started with. Exploration of the world outside of myself is what I apparently desire. Can’t do that by escaping the world.
  • – Creation: It’s not creativity. I feel that I want to create. I think it was Jason Momoa that said, “I just want to make cool shit.” That’s what I want to do too.
  • – Fun: It’s a recurring theme I’ve noticed within myself. How am I supposed to have fun if I’m still afraid of being myself? Most definitely there is no fun between this tug-of-war. It’s a serious and messed up situation.
  • – Curiosity: To be curious about myself, the world around me, people around me. Did you know that it is possible to lose it? I lost it for many years. Had to relearn how to be curious. Never ever lose your curiosity.
  • – Big child doesn’t mean that I want to be a grown-up child. Though, as a child I was more of a grown-up than a child. Big child might mean not to succumb to patterns and molds in which we are pushed into by surrounding environment. That’s how we lose our sense of wonder, curiosity, joy.
  • – Big raging fire: It’s just for fun. It could also symbolize movement or desires that boil within me.

Still, it doesn’t fully answer the question, What am I if I don’t try to escape the reality? And I don’t think it’s a full list. Confusing? Yup.

It is weird to understand that all my doings were aimed for only one goal. To Escape. Zone myself out. And nothing else. No wonder all my thoughts and actions formed selfish inward desires. While in the meantime I couldn’t figure out why I had such a hard time to project myself outward.

Let’s say this. It’s also quite appropriate. For the whole decade I dug deep in my mind to understand myself. To figure out if I’m damaged and whatnot. It’s a lonely road that leaves more questions then answers. If I think where I began and where I am now. These are two different people looking at each other. In a way it feels that I’m just starting to live. All that decade behind is just a weird dream. A long time with nothing and everything.

A penny for your thoughts