Re-Float

We all float down there. This be a sequel to Re-Mind.

Remember how I once said that writing in the evenings is not my thing. Lately I have been gravitating to the evening writing. Can you explain that?

Floating through the life. I don’t remember having big ambitions as a kid nor as a young adult. I just drifted through the life. Trying to survive. In secondary school from bullying. In professional school from my own demons (which I fed myself). As a young adult from the “adult life”.

I just existed. For no reason at all. Nothing was expected from me, but to work and earn money. Because that’s what adults do.

As a kid I remember liking drawing. I heard or was told that drawing doesn’t pay bills. Thus I didn’t pursue this skill. I kept it as a hobby. There wasn’t other paths to explore. Other skills to learn. I didn’t know what I wanted. So I aimlessly floated through the life.

Here and there I tried different things. Nothing stuck to me. I knew what I didn’t want to do. I had no idea what I wanted to do.

So many people just float through the life without an aim, a goal, or destination. A herd of zombies. Every day they try their best and it is still not enough. Where is this enough? When is enough? These people rarely find out what they want to do with their lives.

And those who do? Are they lucky? Are they different? What separates them from the others?

I find it fascinating when children from a young age know what they want to do. And they stuck to it. As a kid I had no idea what I wanted to with my life. I chose my profession as a cook, because my grandma was a cook, and it looked (was) easy. I didn’t chose it because I was uber excited to be a cook. It was an easy way out. When I failed to find a job as one I felt like a failure. What I was supposed to do now? And I was twenty.

When I sometimes read about people around my age, and what they did at the age twenty. I was like, ”Damn.” Don’t compare yourself with others. It never ends well.

I knew I had to learn and relearn almost everything. What I had to learn? Where to get the knowledge I need? What kind of knowledge I need?

This is where floating happened. From knowledge to knowledge. Absorbing everything I could find. Nothing led to what I wanted. It was a blind shot in the dark. Dabbling with one thing. Dabbling with other thing. Without taking it all seriously. Only because I didn’t know what to take seriously. I had no idea where to invest my energy.

That’s why there is this thought about a complete overhaul of my mind. Which doesn’t mean a clean state. That would mean doing something stupid to severe every neuron connection.

Overhaul is simple (not so simple) mind organization. At the beginning I was a bit afraid that if I “take it apart” I will lose sense of myself. You know, ripping away and deleting all values and beliefs I have.

It doesn’t happen like that. I already tried to “carefully” rip it apart and “install” something else. It works without losing myself. We’ll see what will happen when I’ll do it seriously.

Does it mean I am not floating aimlessly through the life anymore? Kind of. I’m much more aware of myself than I was couple years ago. That’s for sure. Overhaul most likely will root me in the fertile soil. A place to keep challenging myself and keep growing more consciously.

The keyword is patience.